영어 잘하는 익들!!!!! 나 좀 도와줘ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ

오늘 레벨테스트로 영작 시험이 있는데 이거 뭐 이상한거 있나 봐죠!!

The reason I have to go to Australia is that Going other countries will be very special experience for me. My future dream is TV program producer. I wanna make program for Korean students. I think Korean students are very painful of many things such as study, friendship, school and even family problems. I wish They'll be happy because of my program. I'm interested in watching video clip about all around world education system. When I watched a video about Australia's education system , I was shocked. In Korea, most of teacher focus on only grade , but In Australia they concentrate on student's individual ability , and respect student's thought . So, They are happy to go to their school. If I go to the Australia , I will study and observe their education environment more deeply. I'll try to find the difference between Korea and Australia and make a short video to reveal Korean student's pain. 

[익인1]

going to 써야하지 않나..? 쭈굴

[익인2]

is ( to be ) tv program......

[글쓴이]

헉 대박 !! 고마워!!

[익인3]

i wanna make program s붙이구

[글쓴이]

고마워ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ 혹시 이 글 수준 고등학생이라고 느껴지긴 해??ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ

[익인4]

such as studying (명사로 맞춰야할 것 같은디)

[익인5]

if it is formal statement then you should not use wanna

[익인6]

and some of the words from your paragraph should not be capitalized

[글쓴이]

어떤거??ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ 작문 초보라서 잘 몰라ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ

[익인7]

going and they

[익인8]

I hope to go to Australia because traveling other countries will be very special experience for me. My future dream is to be a TV program producer. I want to make a program for Korean students. I think Korean students suffer from many things regarding studying, friendship, school life and even family problems. I wish that my program will be able to make them happy. I'm interested in watching video clips about education system all around world. I got shocked when I first watched a video about Australia's education system. In Korea, most of teachers only focus on students’ grades, but in Australia they really care students’ individual abilities and respect their thoughts. Therefore, the students enjoy their school lifes. If I go to the Australia, I will investigate and observe their education environment with more depth. I'll try to find the difference between Korea and Australia and create a short video regarding Korean students’ pain.

[글쓴이]

ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ 고마워ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ진짜 복받을거야 ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ 아직 나는 멀었어ㅠㅠㅠ 오늘 시험보러가는데ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ 혹시 내 작문 수준 고등학생처럼 보이기는 해?ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ

[익인9]

보통 고등학생 수준이 어느정돈지를 몰라서 모르겠다ㅠㅠㅠ근데 가끔 문장구조가 너무 복잡한 문장들이 있어! 너무 꼬아서 쓰지말고 쉽게 써도 될것 같애ㅎㅎㅎ그리고 단어 좀더 있어보이는것들 넣어봐!!ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ